"Throw those shoes in the garbage can!" your mum says, with a glint in her eye. Confused, five-year-old you promptly obeys, tossing your beloved new kicks in the bin. This childhood memory of mine perfectly illustrates the double-edged sword of sarcasm.
Sometimes, you don’t know whether a person is being serious or not. This element of surprise, where the intended meaning is hidden beneath the surface, is rooted in the very word itself. It’s a word that comes from the Greek word sarkasmos, which literally means "the tearing of flesh”, which isn’t a cheerful image. It has now evolved to mean “to bite into one’s lips in rage”, and “to speak bitterly, sneer”.
Often associated with a sense of humour, it’s flashy, attention-grabbing, and leaves a signature ouch in its wake. A well-timed jab is fun; yet if overused and becomes a consistent pattern of communication, it can generate tension in relationships. As Nashwa Tantawy, a Dubai-based psychologist explains, it is a masked criticism; a way of expressing hidden emotions. It can show the other person they're not good enough, possibly leading to an erasure of trust and safety, evoking feelings of anxiety and defensiveness. You never know when the other shoe is going to drop. "It's not just about the words; it's the tone, body language and even facial expression, that is harmful for relationships," she says.
Sarcasm can be a masked criticism; a way of expressing hidden emotions. It can show the other person they're not good enough. It's not just about the words. It's the tone, body language....
Dubai-based Kirtana Kumar embarrassedly reveals that her friends have accused her so often of being “cruelly sarcastic”. “It used to come as a reflex, whenever I got annoyed with mundane questions. Sometimes I would be so sharp that my close friends had to tell me off,” she recalls. Does she notice people walking on eggshells around her? “It has reduced now, but I do know that people would sometimes be afraid to ask me questions. I could sense them reframing questions in their head when approaching me,” she says.
‘Sarcasm: A cloak and dagger approach’
Sarcasm can be confusing. You start wondering, is that a cry for help or are they trying to say something that’s on their mind?
As Catelyn Law, a Dubai-based psychologist, explains, there are several reasons surrounding why people resort to sarcasm. For one, it’s a defense mechanism. They prefer to rely on scathing remarks, instead of trying to actually express emotions and communicate. “They prefer passive-aggressive sarcasm to voicing their fear of speaking their mind. So, they disguise their remarks in the form of dry replies and wry humour, as a form of communication,” she says, referring to it as a “cloak and dagger” approach to communication. This fear of open communication can also lead to a lack of emotional intimacy, as they struggle to express their true feelings. As Tantawy explains, this leads to a sense of disconnection from the person, and draw rather thick boundaries.
They fear being real with their emotions, and so they expel contempt in a manner that feels safe, she says. It becomes a manner of spewing frustration and usually comes along with a self-assured, smug demeanour, as if waiting for applause for a smooth reply, she adds. It’s a way of seeking validation, too.
Another reason is that such people are also rather pessimistic and harbour low self-esteem issues. So, they hit back with sarcasm: It masks their real emotions and moreover, they also believe that it is a cue to get some quick laughs from their audience, which also demeans the recipient of the sarcastic retorts, as they feel embarrassed being in the spotlight. “People also tend to use sarcasm to bolster a very battered image,” says Law.
And so the final result? People can’t be around such sarcasm for too long. You get your cake and it eat too. “The derision, scathing remarks can get too much to handle, leading to their partners or friends either getting frustrated, or just being anxious around them. A continued pattern of sarcasm in any sort of relationship, leads to fractured dynamics and brewing inauthenticity,” she says.
‘A feeling of humiliation and dejected’
The more you use sarcasm, the less funny it becomes. People stop recognising the punchline and just hear negativity.
Moreover, a relentless stream of sarcastic jokes can lead to the other person feeling humiliated and dejected. In relationships, it can become a method of criticising someone under the guise of a sugar-coated insult, that’s just really an insult at the end of the day.
“Your partner or friend, can start doubting their self-worth, which is detrimental their self-confidence and self-esteem,” explains Meenakshi Iyer, a Dubai-based relationship expert and mental health coach. If you continue to use sarcasm to dominate and control your partner, it leaves them feeling hurt, angry and rather insecure. Worse, scathing comments blurted out during an argument and leave an everlasting mark. “It’s hard to move on from that. So, one needs to understand that being overly sarcastic can damage a relationship,” she says.
Sarcasm also depends on the tone and context, as well. Alexis Leigh, a British Dubai-based entrepreneur, recalls a particularly unpleasant relationship, where the sarcasm overstayed its welcome. The retorts would always catch her off guard; his insecurities would flare up suddenly. “If I asked him to do something for the house, he would instantly reply, ‘Sure I have nothing better to do’, and the tone would be rather hurtful,” she says. “It sounds normal and fun, but to hear it all the time, was exhausting. Others wouldn’t see it often, and would laugh at his jokes, which he enjoyed. Yet, it would affect me deeply,” she says. “We stopped having conversations. It was just a series of cold remarks to each other by the end,” she says.
Quite often, the tables are turned on you. “They make you feel as if you are being oversensitive; you’re the one who can’t take a joke. This is just deflecting accountability and a kind of gaslighting,” adds Law. When the person gets angry for the other taking “things seriously”, they are invalidating their feelings to avoid feeling guilty and responsible for causing them pain. This results in someone questioning and double-guessing themselves, unable to catch a hold of their own reality.
How to address sarcasm in yourself, and others
Well, for those who tend to delve too much into sarcasm, here are a few things to keep in mind. For a person, who is already communicating with sarcasm, they should acknowledge that their words are hurting the other, says Tantawy. "They need to be aware that they have to communicate their feelings of anger or sadness," she says.
The psychologists put down some tips on dealing with sarcasm:
Consider the context: Is this a playful jab between your partner and you, or are you using sarcasm to express frustration or anger?
What are you avoiding: Sometimes sarcasm is a shield to avoid expressing true feelings. Consider if there's a more direct way to communicate what's bothering you.
Sometimes, your partner is sarcastic because he or she does not know how to express their emotions and feelings. Instead of reacting negatively, be their guide...
Open and honest communication: If someone's sarcasm is bothering you, have a conversation about it. Explain how it makes you feel and suggest alternative ways to communicate. Use "I" Statements. Focus on your own feelings instead of attacking the other person. For example, "I feel hurt when you use sarcasm like that" is more effective than "You're always so sarcastic!" This makes the other person more receptive, says Tantawy.
Discuss how to highlight the emotions: As Iyer explains, sometimes, your partner is sarcastic because he or she does not know how to express their emotions and feelings. Instead of reacting negatively, be their guide and sincerely ask them the matter with questions like, “It seems you are angry. What is the matter?”
Try to avoid the angry tone: Do not try to respond to the tone of the sarcastic comment.
As Iyer and Tantawy remind, sarcasm isn’t so bad. When appropriate, it is a fun and playful part of communication. However, the key is to use it mindfully in an appropriate context, and be aware of its potential to cause confusion or hurt feelings. “You also need to watch your tone too,” she says.
