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Mutton chops, chin straps, goatees... we stroke 'em, clip 'em and love 'em. But do women feel the same way about facial fuzz? Andy McNab investigates.
"A woman with a beard looks like a man. A man without a beard looks like a woman." Afghan saying.
So beards it is. At last I've cracked it. After having to write about relationships, waxing, make-up, manicures and a host of other more ladified subjects I've eventually had my shackles cut and have a bona fide bloke subject to tap out and I challenge you to find a more bona fide blokey subject to write about.
Here's the test, close your eyes and think 'beard' . What enters your mind? I wonder if it's the same as mine. I am first transported back to Headingley in the summer of '81 and that iconic snapshot of Ian Botham hooking a head-high delivery away beyond the boundary. Then I think of George Best tormenting defenders, turning them inside and out before dummying the keeper and slamming the ball into the back of the awld onion bag.
Do you, like me, think of Zeus, Mars and Poseidon sitting atop their clouds looking down upon us mere mortals as they plan out destinies? I think of John Bonham, Bob Marley, Eric Clapton and, of course, three of the four Beatles crossing the Abbey Road zebra. Finally, I think of any explorer - Ernest Shackleton, Hillary, Cooke, Scott and even Dubai's own Mr Hayes. Didn't see too many of them posing for their holiday pics with bits of themselves frozen black with a nice 'just out the salon' look about them. What have they all got in common? That's right, a little bit of chin hedge action going on.
Beards are awesome. And they are sported by the awesomest of men. (And yes, I realise it's not a dictionary word, but it should be. You know, "Yes, you are indeed right Sharjah is the awesomest of the seven emirates.") And we were where? Sorry, that's right, beards. They are awesome and if anyone should know, it would be me, because I have one. Neatly trimmed every other day, either grade one or two, depending on the amount of ruggedness I wish to exude by arguably the safest blade-man in south central Satwa, Shumi. I love my beard and couldn't imagine life without it. It's just there to be rubbed, stroked and tweaked during those rare moments of reflection and rumination. It's just there to be smoothed and lightly waxed before a big night out and it's just there to be clipped and shaped by Shumi when I haven't got much else on. The Handbag even gives it the occasional fiddle (easy tiger, Ed.) when her hands have nothing better to do.
So what do we know about beards? For males (females with beards is another article altogether) they are an outward symbol that you have progressed beyond pre-pubescence and can be regarded as a biological organism with the capability to reproduce. Which is always nice, and apparently something most chicks dig without even knowing it. It lurks in their subconscious along with kittens, push-chairs and Captain Corelli's Mandolin. Beards are also regarded as hinting at wisdom, social status and sexual virility - just think Richard Branson. However, there is a flipside to this... think about a character from a book or movie: a bum, hobo or vagrant. I'm picturing beards... are you? Ying and yang at play again.
Beards throughout history are worth a quick glance. The Pharaohs grew funky beards plaited beneath their chin, often interwoven with threads of gold. In some Eastern civilisations, beards were revered to the point that punishment for illegal activities was to have one's beard removed.
In fact, if we were to plot the popularity of beards on a graph, it would make a blueprint for the world's gnarliest rollercoaster. They were mandatory until your first confirmed kill during 'Barbarian' times. Taxed to virtual extinction during the Elizabethan era and also by Russia's Peter the Great. From which point they slid further out of fashion until Napoleonic and Victorian times when many statesmen started dodging the cut throat again.
Since then, beards have gone through more than a few fads. The one we're most familiar with now is the contemporary beard - tidily trimmed and sculpted to the specifications of the wearer. There are, of course, a multitude of other styles doing the rounds.
The goatee has proved popular throughout the nineties and noughties and comprises a little chin rug sprouting forth just beneath the lips and covering the point of the chin, named after Theodore R. Goatee, the officially photographed wearer of this particular beard style back in 1857. Then there's the goatee with moustache, the extended goatee - which forms a kind of cut off at the bottom of the ears beard or the intentionally uneven goatee, the 'balbo'.
There's the chin strip, the soul patch and my personal favourite (and there really are photos out there of me sporting one during my late teens) the chin curtain or chin strap which is, as the name just about alludes to, a strip of beard connecting both sideburns - very Amish.
Finally, there's everyone's favourite 'mutton chops': super-sized furry sideburns (and how did that word evolve?) that spread forth across the cheeks. Imagine taking a big juicy chop and dragging it around the floor of your local barbershop until it's liberally covered in hair then taping it to the side of your face.
Get the picture?
There is even a variation on this. Apparently, if the chops are allowed to grow sufficiently to meet in the middle (ie, combine in a glorious moustache) then you've got 'friendly mutton chops'.
So then, I've made the conscious decision to sprout forth and I'm not alone in Dubai. Facial hair and beards, in particular, are a feature of many a boat-race here. In fact, I'd guesstimate clean-shaven chins may even be a minority when tallied against the army of the follically adventurous here.
Flick through Tabloid's or OK's 'night out' photo features and once you've chuckled your way past the faux gang symbols, you'll witness a multitude of facial hair experiments - some of which will make you wince with pity and others that will double-take a seriously smooth operator.
But does having a beard handicap your prospects with the fairer sex? Well, for the answer to this question I was again forced undercover to work the message forums of expatwoman.com, whereupon I asked the question: "A simple yes/no. A neatly-trimmed 'contemporary' beard. Hot or not?'
As with my previous enquiries, there was a deluge of responses,. The overriding finding seems to be that opinion is divided - 53 lovelies in favour of bit of extended stubble and 67 ladeez expressing their preference for a close shave.
So I say to any would-be beardie, go for it! The odds are about even. Incredibly, Antonio Banderas featured as a hot beardie, although I don't think I've ever even seen him sporting one! Ashton Kutcher apparently looks quite cute with a beard (is he old enough to grow one?), so too does Brad (quelle surprise).
Beard styles to avoid: Axl Rose's orangutan orange chin fuzz was given the big thumbs down and sadly Monty P - we realise he's not grown his bush out of vanity but, regardless, he'd be one of the first voted out of the Celebrity Beard Brother House (now there's a solid gold idea for MBC).
The key to a winning beard is to keep it trimmed. Once it starts intercepting the crumbs destined for your lap, get it cropped without delay. "It's very distracting to be waiting for the coffees and not really knowing whether or not to hint at a bit of crumb removal," a female friend of mine mentioned when reflecting on a recent date. Mind you, he was probably saving them for later.
Trim and terrific
Need a beard trim? Take your choice.
Franck Provost: World Trade Centre,
04-3310801, Dubai Marina, 04-3629865, Mall of the Emirates, 04-3413245
Rimal Mens' Salon: Mall of the Emirates, 04-3400071
Toni & Guy: Emirates Towers, 04-3303345
Julian Hairdressing: The Village Mall, Jumeirah Beach Rd, 04-3449006
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