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Tires screech and the acrid smell of burning rubber follows. I swing the car into a narrow alley, the cop car on my tail is too big to drive through – the pursuit is over. I win. The police siren slowly fades out, the radio's now belting 'Susie Q' – it's all good. But then, I hear the wailing siren again.
"Heck, they must have found the other entrance. What do we do now?" she says, her nails dig into my arms. The wailing's getting louder, I can't concentrate, feel my heart pounding now. "Not again," she says. "Your turn now. And please, don't be clumsy again – you should by now know how to change your baby's diapers."
That's it. The dream's gone. Secret agent man is back to being Chief Diaper Changer. It's 3am on a Friday morning and you haven't had a full night's sleep in the last two months. A year ago, 3am on a Friday morning was when you made plans for the after-party, but now you are standing here wondering how this little fellow manages to unload so much into his diaper with such regularity?
If this seems like the stuff of nightmares, this article was written for you – a show of solidarity for the man who refuses to grow up. Women will worry about 'the biological clock' and most men want to become fathers. But, why are you looked at weirdly?
You are the minority (or majority, depending on whom you are talking to) that bursts a coronary every time her eyes twinkle when she whispers, "I've got to tell you something really important." You've gone selectively deaf every time keywords like 'responsibility' or 'parenting' and 'furthering our bloodline' has floated around the family dinner, it's been 'fight or flight' every time you've been asked not to 'shirk' responsibility. But the voices never cease, the nagging never ends.
Some men are just scared of becoming fathers. Just like some men are scared of insects or closed spaces. Let's dispense with some of the reasons most heard first – men are afraid to take responsibility, worried that their wives will lose interest in them and only have time for the baby, his role of the provider is now defined till the time junior finishes college, sometimes it's plain economics – you simply don't think there's enough coming in to help you start a family.
Where's your paternal instinct?
We've heard about maternal instinct, but is there a masculine gender to this? Women have a voice inside their head that urges them to go forth and create life, but do grown men feel this way? "Paternal instincts exist. Mine are so strong that I do not want my child to come into this mess. So I would rather not have a kid," says Kunal Ross, a 28-year-old advertising professional.
"Seriously, do I really want my child to come into a world like this, grow up and be part of this rat-race? The quality of life that most urban-dwellers have is only going to get worse. So no, I would rather not have a child. I had this discussion with my fiancée a few months before we got engaged, she understands my point of view." His views on where we are headed may appear slightly pessimistic to some, but the man's keen on making his point about procreation clear.
"I think sometimes people have children for purely selfish reasons – furthering your family name, someone to take over the family business. Sometimes, I think it's just to have someone around when you are old and dying."
Siddarth, who turns 30 this year, on the other hand thinks the biological clock is over-rated. "As far as having a baby goes, the fact is that women give up more than men will ever do. Like men, it's not that women don't want to go about their lives without having to take up any responsibility, but it's just that they are under pressure most of the time from those around them. Men don't have to face that kind of pressure".
Who wants to grow up?
In the late 80s, yuppies inspired acronyms like DINKS (dual income and no kids), a phenomenon that espoused the good life – an expensive consumer lifestyle unlike those afforded by couples with children. For some people, the choice between a roadtrip through Europe and scouring the cityscape for a suitable nursery is fairly simple.
"I just feel that my life as I know it will end the day I have a child. After that, my life is not my priority, it is my child's life. For me, there are no two ways about it. It's just that I am not ready to give up the life I have known and worked so hard for just yet," says Trevor, a 30-something banker. Siddarth's been married for less than two years now and is faced with a dilemma.
"A hectic work schedule ensures that my wife and I see each other for just a couple of hours during the week. So right now, we really look forward to our overseas holidays. I can't imagine what it will be like once we have a child. If I can't have enough time to spend with my wife now, how am I going to manage time once a baby's around? "
At the same time, I am uncertain about postponing fatherhood because I don't want to be an 'old' father, I do not know if I'll have the energy to bring up a child when I'm older," he says. For some of us, it makes more sense to get it over and done with.
But there's also a practicality involved. Most men in their 28-34 age-group are in mid-management level and are still at a stage where they have much to achieve. Some may be slightly older when they can achieve a better work-life balance and be able to afford a lifestyle that won't have them worrying about annual school fees and the sort.
Crossing that bridge
In the end, it's that old cliché again – boys always wanting to be boys. But the good news, ladies, is that this may not be a bad thing. "Maybe I'll never have to stop being a boy, even when I become a father. At least, that's what I want to believe that even with a child around, I can still make time to do the things that I do now. I know it's easier said than done, but I'm sure it is do-able," says Siddarth.
For some, parenting is a bridge that they will cross when they get there. "At some later stage if we do find out there is an unplanned pregnancy on our hands, we'll just have the baby," says Kunal. So what have we learnt about ourselves then?
Men have a paternal instinct, some of us even shed copious tears watching Will Smith and his son bond in The Pursuit of Happyness. We are actually not entirely averse to having kids, in fact right now some of us really love kids. As long as they are someone else's.
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