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Picturesque and pristine, Prague is suspiciously perfect. So much so that Andy van Smeerdijk goes in search of its ugly underbelly.
We're standing outside the grand pillars of the Rudolfinum, one of Prague's many music auditoriums, an impressive Neo-Classical building crowned by statues of some of the world's finest composers.
Emma, our Czech tour guide, points out a statue on the roof. "When the Nazis invaded Prague, the German soldiers were ordered to cut off the head off the statue of Mendelssohn, the Jewish composer. They weren't sure which one he was, there were no names, so they chopped off the head of the composer with the biggest nose. It was Wagner, Hitler's favourite composer," she says, deadpan.
In most other cities a building like the Rudolfinum would be slapped across on all the postcards, a prime attraction. Yet in Prague, it's just one of thousands of architectural wonders. From Baroque buildings to Gothic cathedrals and Art Nouveau shopfronts, it's all here.
In fact, there are so many stunning buildings that after two days in the city I decide to conduct an experiment. Waking early, I set out on a hike through the inner-city suburbs of Prague. A fine rain is falling, which makes for great walking.
Once I leave Stare Mesto, the main tourist area, a few minor changes are discernible: there are fewer souvenir shops, cafes and plush hotels; in their place are earthy grocery stores, pubs and greasy eateries. What's more, everything has an ever so slight film of grime. Yet essentially the streetscapes remain the same: row after row of magnificent, beautifully preserved buildings. Pushing south, I come across the shopping drag and even a Tesco - overjoyed, I'm now certain there'll be some dodgy 1970s modernist edifice beyond this. But no, there are none... just more quaint streets.
Finally I give up. Prague, I must concede, is perfect and whole. And in stark contrast to the developing cities of the Gulf, it's been this way for centuries. And so I am sucked in by the charms of this city, like everyone else who comes here.
So what's the first move on the Prague chessboard? Staromestske namesti, the old town square, is where most tourists first waddle to - and was good enough for me. The city's showpiece, the traditional heart of Prague is hemmed in by Gothic churches, the old Town Hall and other magnificent buildings with open-air restaurants loitering below. On the hour, a crowd gathers beneath the Town Hall's famous Astronomical Clock, where a procession of apostles shuffle past as the bell tolls. Beneath this are figurines of the city's four 'foes' in medieval times: Death, Vanity, the Turk and the Jew. Somehow, I suspect it wouldn't rate too highly on the Forbes list of the 50 Most PC Attractions in the World.
In the tower above, there's a viewpoint that has spectacular views of this gingerbread city. To get there you have the choice of a spiral stairwell - a decent workout - or, sadly, an elevator that allows the less worthy to enjoy the view too. (Okay, wheelchair pushers qualify.)
From Staromestske namesti, laneways fan out in all directions but your best bet is to aim for the river and beyond it, the craggy Prague Castle. On your way, you ogle market stalls, grand churches and skirt the edge of the 'former' Jewish neighbourhood (which includes a high-security Town Hall that seems alive and well). But mostly, you encounter the city's ubiquitous souvenir shops.
Although it's a spectacular city, Prague's souvenirs are seriously average. Indeed, there's no sign of the astounding Czech artistic talent in the rubbish and gaudy crystalware that fills the city's tourist shops, probably because much of it isn't from the Czech Republic (notably, the thousands of Russian dolls for sale).
"Whatever you do, you must not buy those!" commands the beautiful, stoney-faced Emma. I, for one, don't even dare to think of such a crime.
Weaving your way to the river, you cross the medieval Charles Bridge, a popular meeting place and tourist drag lined by Baroque statues. Once on the other bank, take a tram up to Prague Castle, which - situated on a hilltop - frowns, quite unreasonably, upon the city below. The castle's entrance is flanked by two unflinching guards, reminiscent of Buckingham Palace's beaver-heads. Tempted to make unkind gestures at them, I'm reminded they have guns.
Prague Castle features a Royal Palace plus various convents, courtyards, basilicas and statues, but the big gun here is the Gothic hulk of St Vitus Cathedral. With long queues spewing forth from its entrance, surely only the seriously devout or outrageously patient would think of inspecting its inner workings. However, from the outside the cathedral is glorious with gaping gargoyles and layers of lavish excess. With its foundation stone laid in 1344, St Vitus wasn't completed until 1929 - a work-rate that would be shameful for some (note, some) Dubai developers. Standing forlorn and half-built for about four centuries, in 1859 the Union for the Completion of the Cathedral was formed to do exactly that - thanks to a number of private donors.
The stroll back to the city from the cathedral takes you through the district of Mala Strana, with its rambling laneways, grand embassies, vineyards and terraced gardens.
The most surprising corner here is Valdstejnska zahrada, the palace gardens, which are ringed by Neo-Classical buildings and filled with ponds, hedges, lawns, fountain, peacocks... even an owlery.
In fact, it's just the kind of place you'd be tempted to don a mask, wig and silly pompous pants and chase Marie Antoinette around. Except for one corner, where a grotesque grotto of cement imitating limestone is insanely at odds with its classic surroundings. Very odd but cool.
There are many more aesthetic attractions, of course, but there comes a point when sightseeing fatigue sets in and you need to move on to more sedate sensory delights. And in Prague, that means it's time to hit the city's theatres, cafes and restaurants.
Back in the mid-1990s, you could catch an opera here for a dollar, but with the Czech economy going strong and the city cementing itself as a top European destination, that's a thing of the past. Yet the operas, I'm told, are still incredible.
The same goes for dining and hitting the town. Until a few years ago, Prague was a popular spot for European holidaymakers wanting to wet the whistle but with rising prices things have changed.
However, if you gravitate away from the tourist centre you'll notice that food and drink prices drop almost by 25 per cent every few blocks and become quite respectable. (Note this is based on my own, albeit sketchy survey... I'm guessing that prices don't continue to decline at this rate forever.)
If you're determined to sample some genuine, gritty Czech nightlife, ask a local to direct you to Kremekova street, which is lined with nightspots popular with Czechs and tourists alike.
At the other end of the spectrum, the restaurants around the old town square are magnificent places to dine, but prime real estate has its price. Sure, enjoy a drink here but a far better move is to try some of the quaint eateries in the nearby sidestreets, such as Sverjk restaurant, just a couple of blocks away from the square. High on atmosphere and low on pretension, expect protein-packed soups, hearty roasts, goulash and generous servings of all things stodgy.
On the Prague Castle side of the river, there are a number of predictably chilled riverside restaurants but also the very cool district of Smichov, where lining the cobblestone streets are numerous restaurants and venues that serve Czech cuisine and the city's renowned beverages.
When it all comes down to it though, Prague feels real. It has weathered prejudice, countless wars, communism, religious conflict and every scourge imaginable. And what's survived has soul. Surrounded by rolling countryside, there are no tall towers and no grim suburbia; instead, there are plentiful parks and elegant buildings that stand at ease by each other and look destined to stay that way for centuries.
It's the kind of place where you quickly start fantasising about renting yourself an attic and starting work on your novel, masterpiece or composition. Indeed, it's no wonder that not far from here, the term 'Bohemian' first came into use. Leaving is about as attractive as having your teeth pulled out.
Traveller cheques
Getting there: Stopovers are unavoidable. Turkey Airlines flies Dubai to Prague (from Dhs3500) as does Czech Airlines and KLM (from Dhs3000) and Aeroflot (from Dhs2400). Fares on www.expedia.com.
Visas: Citizens of the UK, US Australia, Canada and some other countries do not require a tourist visa to visit the Czech Republic; citizens of Pakistan, India and South Africa do require one. For details on your country's visa requirements, go to http://czech-republic.visahq.com
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