|
Dubai: A young woman in Rawalpindi and six accomplices were arrested in April on suspicions of killing her husband, who had settled in Abu Dhabi, when he was in Pakistan on leave.
When she was questioned, the woman confessed to the crime, saying she wanted to get rid of her "old husband" because she had fallen in love with a young man in his absence.
On May 17 a 35-year old man who had returned to Goa from Dubai was murdered by his wife and her paramour. The mother of two struck her husband on his head thrice with an iron rod, and later dumped the body in a river to make it look like suicide.
For thousands of couples who cherish their marriage and do not let distance come between them, these two incidents might read like tales straight out of Bollywood.
Reality check
But a reality check would reveal not all relationships are strong enough to endure the strain of years of separation, as is the case with many men and women who live and work in the UAE while their families are back home.
Experts say many build up a deep sense of insecurity and anxiety when they live away from home, leading to irreparable damage to the emotional and physical bond with their partners.
As Dr Kennon Rider, Associate Professor at Michigan State University who also practices psychotherapy at Dubai Community Health Centre, comments: "It takes an extremely strong relationship to withstand a long separation."
And not all are strong enough.
George N. has been working in Dubai for the past 12 years, and his wife and children are at home in Kerala. Though financially well-off and able to bring his family to the UAE, George and his wife jointly decided that she would stay back home due to family commitments such as ageing parents and the children's education.
But today, at the age of 42, the sales manager believes it was a wrong decision. "Distance drew us apart. We spent the best part of our lives living separately, and now we have kind of become used to it. I think we always doubted each other's sincerity," said George.
Waheed, an accountant from Egypt, blames his divorce from his first wife on their long separation. "How could we love each other when we were miles apart? She was always uncertain of my commitment, and I was suspicious of her. I remember every time we were on the phone, we were fighting over petty issues, and that took us nowhere," said the father of three.
He added he was not in a position to bring her over to Dubai and developed an affair with a colleague, whom he got married to a year ago. He later divorced his first wife.
Anne Bernard, who has been living away from her husband and children in the Philippines for the past five years, admits her decision to leave her family behind for financial reasons has cost her her marriage.
"I lost faith in him as I know he has other women in his life. My children tell me all about his friendships, and I know he is not loyal," said Anne, 36.
Despite her doubts, she has not confronted her husband.
"I go to the Philippines once a year. Both of us know our relationship has become strained over the years after I left for Dubai. We do not even make an effort to make things better because we are not together and do not feel the need to," she added.
Verge of split
Reshma Kumar who works for an engineering consultancy in Dubai admitted she is on the verge of divorce as the long distance has upset her relationship with her husband who is in Mumbai.
"He works for an airline, and when I got a good offer abroad, he did not want to quit his job and come to Dubai. Now that I am well-settled here, I tried to persuade him to join me here but in vain," said Kumar, an architect.
Dr Rider said people living alone in a foreign country become lonely. They have normal needs for attention, affection and connection, and sometimes attempt to satisfy those needs outside the primary relationship. So, it is natural for partners back home to become anxious. Sometimes broken trust disrupts a relationship, but sometimes excessive jealousy or possessiveness does the same.
According to him, whether long separations cause distress depends a great deal on expectations. "If couples marry to be together in the traditional sense and then find themselves separated because one of the partners must go abroad to work, then yes, there is likely to be higher stress levels. Some family systems however, have managed under these conditions for generations and for them, separation is the norm. Hence stress would be less because they have in place the extended family support that makes it tolerable."
Sailaja Menon, psychologist at the Dubai Community Health Centre and founder of the Crisis Prevention Programme under the Indian Community Welfare Committee, said extramarital affairs happen because of some people's inability to manage the new-found freedom when they live in a new country without their partners.
"A combination of factors, such as the lack of a family support system, unfulfilled expectations and transitional anxiety when they separate, all cause mental stress and trigger marital discord," noted Menon.
According to her, couples need to keep the communication channels open.
They should also engage their partners in the decision making process despite the distance between them.
I go to the Philippines once a year. Both of us know our relationship has become strained ... after I left for Dubai."
Anne Bernard, Filipina working in Dubai
How could we love each other when we were miles apart? She was always uncertain of my commitment and I was suspicious ... "
Waheed, Egyptian in Dubai
A combination of factors, such as the lack of a family support system, unfulfilled expectations and transitional anxiety when they separate, all cause mental stress and trigger marital discord."
Sailaja Menon, Psychologist
Effects of living apart
- Stress and anxiety
- Extra-marital affairs--Increase in divorces
- Stress on children
|
