As if it isn't bad enough that the non-shy see the quiet person at the end of the table and assume he or she is a snotty little git, shy people make that mistake all the time.
I did it myself recently, when I met a someone I assumed was full of herself, but who turned out to be down-to-earth, and really introverted.
Ah, shyness; what a battle it has been. Especially since it so often comes across it as arrogance or weakness, particularly in outgoing America.
But awareness of this has been good for me. Shy people often make the mistake that only shy people feel shy. In fact, everybody does, it's just that most people don't let it take over. Shyness, after all, is a fundamental survival trait.
Imagine if our ancestors were jolly, outgoing chaps who went around slapping bears on the back, or went running over to say hello to the new spear-carrying tribe over the next hill.
I learned some useful tricks by watching the non-shy, one of the most important being that saying what you're feeling reduces the awkwardness of it.
For example, if I'm suddenly lost for words, instead of blubbering and blushing, I can simply say, "Gosh, I don't know what to say."
Yes, I'd never thought of that.
I've also done a bit of reading about shyness and learned two fascinating things. One is "debilitating internal dialogue" and the other the "paradox of narcissism".
The idea of the latter is that one assumes the most narcissistic person in the room is the extrovert who is standing up and telling all the jokes, when in fact it's most likely the shy person cringing in the corner, thinking everybody's eyes are on him or her.
I went to two theatre workshops last year at which I was expected to speak to an audience and even read out a bit of my work.
When I felt the nervousness start to turn my insides to mush, I sternly told myself, "It's not about you. Everybody isn't sitting there waiting to see how clever you are." It worked. A little.
Important thing
Another important thing is that the goal is not to "cure shyness". A shy person will always be shy-the trick is overcoming the debilitation that untamed shyness causes.
I'm also coming to terms with the basic insecurities that fuel my bashfulness. What else would drive me to write and rewrite a story or play over and over for months until I've got it right?
Madness might do it, but then you have all that fiddling around with spiders under your skin and postmen trying to kill you.
The next time you're at a table and there's someone sitting at the far end who's watching everybody, but not saying a word, remember "debilitating internal dialogue".
This is what is usually going through a shy person's head at a social occasion: "I need to speak. But what shall I say? Shall I talk about that movie someone mentioned? What should I say about it?
Ah, I'll mention the twist... oh no, someone just mentioned it. What now? I'll talk about the end... but what if I sound silly? They all sound so intelligent. What if I stumble over my words? Oh no, they're looking at me-say something, say anything!"
Of course, it might just be that the person actually is an egotistic, superior snob and is looking down on all of you... but, in the interest of the shy ones among us, let's give them the benefit of the doubt. And that goes for all you shy people too.
Gautam Raja is a journalist based in the US.
