One needs to be on the lookout for subtleties in the English language such as the unspoken word which one must be perspicacious enough to assume. For example, when one is told to do what one likes, one must infer that this obviously doesn't include a long list of things one shouldn't do if one values one's life.
So, if it is a parent telling you to go ahead and do as you like, you know very well that you are not being given carte blanche. What one must add is 'I have been told to do what I want but, being wise beyond my years, I know very well what I must avoid doing if I want to stay alive'.
There is this person I know who has this disconcerting habit of allowing this nebulous 'but' to float around her sentences, making you sense that all isn't right with the world. There have been instances when she has been handed a gift and, as she looks it over, you are aware she has her reservations about it. She might say all the right things such as 'thank you' and 'it's very nice' but the unspoken word hovers like a dark cloud.
So, you take the cue and ask her to come right out and say what she really thinks. First there is a demurral, followed by 'it's very nice but I think it would have looked even nicer in pink/red/green'. She is obviously one who looks every gift horse in the mouth.
Then there are those who when asked for a favour seem to be ready to grant your wish, but there's a certain facial expression that tells you that this ready acceptance isn't to be taken at face value.
Wanting to know exactly where one stands and not wanting any last-minute hitches to one's plans, one warily asks if there is any problem. If the 'no' that follows is a long-drawn-out one then hold your horses. Be prepared for the worst. When pressed, they will come out with a feeble 'if I have the time' or 'if nothing else crops up unexpectedly'. The leeway this excuse offers is enough for them to gracefully withdraw their offer of help without seeming churlish.
Kind of problem
Of course, this kind of problem usually presents itself when one is dealing with acquaintances. With family, one knows exactly where one stands. Try asking a sibling for a favour and you are likely to receive a derisive laugh which says it all or an indignant 'remember when I asked you to do something for me and you didn't?' However hurtful this may be, at least it's an honest response. Not very good for one's ego, I will admit, but honest nevertheless.
Then there's the other 'but', the one that we tend to use when someone has magnanimously offered to help or go out of their way to do something for you. Taken by surprise and unable to believe your good luck, you are compelled to ask 'but are you sure? Wouldn't it mean going out of your way?' Of course, one also is well aware of not pushing too hard just in case the person changes his mind and you know that you will be the only one to blame if this backfires.
By insisting on the generous impulse being too much to expect from anyone one is merely sowing the seeds of doubt. And before you know it, the person just might reconsider his act of selflessness and come to the conclusion that he isn't quite ready for this heroic act.
So, one must know how hard to push and when to retreat gracefully. Instead of questioning the resources of the generous soul to go so far out of his way to help you, count your blessings instead and thank him profusely in advance even before the deed is done. That way he will not entertain second thoughts about committing himself to this reckless, selfless act.
Thus, the next time you are in conversation with someone, hone your auditory skills. Listen hard and you will surely be able to interpret all the words, spoken and unspoken.
